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‘Furious 7′ drives itself off a cliff

Universal

Universal

An anthropomorphic flying squirrel captures the essence of "Furious 7." Because human projectiles just aren't as exhilarating unless there are tanks involved.

Sophie Haddad

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It’s just not enough.

Seven movies, $819 million, a martial artist, a pop star, a helicopter destroying a skyscraper. None of it is enough to satiate my hunger for directionless, gratuitous car chases.

Denounced by some as just another wasteful addition to an unnecessarily extended franchise, “Fast and Furious 7” has suffered from hasty judgements and biased analysis for far too long. It is time for us to realize that “Furious 7” is not only the best movie in theaters, it is the most realistic.

Don’t get me wrong, people jump off of exploding trains onto moving cars which promptly drive off cliffs every day. But it’s the way “Furious 7” makes these daily occurrences unique that gives the movie flavor.

Pseudo-electric dubstep is the natural concomitant of carefully calculated car choreography. One of the lesser known natural laws referenced by Martin Luther King, Jr. is the presence in action scenes of these testosterone-charged songs. In accordance with this, “Furious 7” features selections by such respected figures in the music scene as Wiz Khalifa and Iggy Azalea.

The costuming designer meticulously planned each outfit with functionality in mind — the women wear only minimal coverage so as not to overheat and the men are sufficiently clothed so as to display their toned physiques without distracting from the movie’s central theme: cars.

No other film could try as hard as this one did to arouse sentimentality and still fail. ”

The plot certainly doesn’t waste time with sophistication. Like its predecessors, “Furious 7” is somewhat of a glorified scavenger hunt. The conflict is just subtext providing reasons for the car chases. Like any venerable action movie of the 21st century, “Furious 7” is untarnished by an overarching morality, and consequently resolves itself conclusively without having to bother with unnecessary depth.

The film doesn’t tax the audience mentally. Every time you start to think about something, an impressive explosion distracts from such unnecessary mental exertion.

The supernatural character of the cars proves conclusively that “Furious 7” is more than just an action movie — it’s a science fiction movie. Experimenting with new interpretations of Newtonian laws of gravity and physics, the race scenes possess an untenable quality, elevating them to a level far above sheer earthly capabilities.

The characters don’t even have to abide by mortal codes of injury. They emerge virtually unscathed after engaging in fatal stunts. It is certainly commendable that this film could spare its characters the pain and, in turn, the audience its concern by utilizing the superhuman abilities of its cast.

No other film could try as hard as this one did to arouse sentimentality and still fail. It is a feat singular to such a one-of-a-kind movie.

Unwarranted spontaneity makes the film coherent as a realistic set of events.

It’s becoming more and more rare to find a film that isn’t crammed chock-full of needless plot and dialogue. But “Furious 7” sticks to its promise of unadulterated car chases and doesn’t get distracted by character development or a definite story arc. A real plot line is one that can be summed up in two words: fast cars.

There were not ten seconds that I didn’t enjoy.

5 / 5 stars

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